I am so sorry for letting this blog sit silent for so long, my dear friends. Thank- you to all of the kind people who expressed their concerns for Linda and me, and for sending your blessings as well as showing your support for my simple blog. It really means a great deal to me, more then you will ever know.
I don’t know if I will be able to reconstruct everything that has taken place over the last few months, and not sure that I want to relive most of it. I never really knew what a depression was. I had heard the term and knew others who had suffered through it, but I found out that it is impossible to truly understand the gravity of the situation until I was forced to live through it. I would not wish that experience on my worst enemy.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative but feel I must report on some of it for those who worried about and stuck by me. I am still not fully recovered and am told that it might take months before I feel I have ‘totally recovered’ (if there is such a thing). The broken and sprained bones are healed though I still feel some discomfort and weakness in both wrists at times. It’s the shattered ego that is taking the longest to heal.
I am not comfortable with asking for help. But this injury forced me to rely on others much more that I wanted. Just the simple tasks of dressing, bathing, even going to the bathroom required assistance. My modesty quickly and forcibly disappeared. Having to have one’s wife, mother, or sister wipe your bottom or zip up your pants will reduce even a strong person to tears.
Expressing my feminine side was not of interest for me following my accident. All I wanted to wear was something that was comfortable and easy to slide on and off. I did not feel the least bit feminine. At the hospital the nurses and doctors treated me like the lady I had presented at the ER. I didn’t have to move much so laying there in bed I really didn’t care much for how I was dressed. Linda and Pam made sure that I had feminine clothes available and I checked out of the hospital in a simple button-up the front dress with big sleeves. It was easy to put on over my cast and bandages so I didn’t complain.
Once home I really didn’t care what I wore because I was on pain pills and slept most of the time. After the second week Linda talked me into dressing more as Bev as well as wearing some make-up (she had to put it on of course). Pam and Mom came by during the day while Linda was working and assisted me. The embarrassment of having them pull up my panties after helping me in the bathroom slowly died away and became just part of the routine. There is more to this part that I will relate later.
I think it was watching others taking care of my housework that really started the depression. I couldn’t help and just had to sit and watch them. I had to inform my clients that I would be taking some time off work because of the accident so I knew that I was not contributing to our financial situation either. These really pushed the depression faster.
More to come soon.